January 17th, 2009 is the day my life changed forever. Instead of taking my usual Saturday morning aerobics class at Richard Simmons’ exercise studio, Slimmons, I had a ticket to see John Edward! I had purchased it months before, with the hope of connecting with a few loved ones who have crossed over.
My friend Iris has “the gift,” and for weeks she had been seeing my Nana, my mother’s mother, standing behind me everywhere we went. In fact, during the week prior to January 17th, we had gone to dinner at the Grand Lux Café with another friend, Kat. Iris said she saw my Nana there with us. I had been smelling roses that day, something that in our family meant someone was going to pass. I just thought it was a sign from my Nana to let me know she was nearby and was preparing to talk to me through John Edward.
My pet sitting company was flourishing, and I had two cat visits to do that morning as well. I had to be done with work, changed, and at the John Edward event by 10am. I had been trying to decide how I would structure my morning; would I shower and dress for the event, do my sits and go straight to the John Edward event, or would I do my sits and then come back home to shower and change before going? I decided on the latter, and got up at 6am to ensure I would have enough time.
Sadie was starting a heat cycle again, and as I sat down on the sofa that morning to drink my coffee, she threw herself down at my feet with a “brrrrrr.” As she rubbed her face all over my socked foot, telling me she loved me, I was very much at peace. I petted her and got up to leave for the visits with my client kitties. I left the house at 6:45am. She didn’t ask for treats that morning as she usually did, but it was early and I figured she just wanted to go back to sleep.
I returned just 90 minutes later at approximately 8:15am. As I entered my apartment, I crossed through the living room and headed for the kitchen to pour myself another cup of coffee and fix a quick breakfast for myself. I glanced over my shoulder toward the sofa where Sadie was laying, and my mind immediately knew that something was wrong. She didn’t look quite right.
“Sadie? Sadie?” I said, and as I slowly moved closer to her, I could tell…
She was dead.
“SADIE! SADIE! NO NOT MY SWEET GIRL. NOOOOOOO!”
I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. She was lying on her tummy, her tail trailing oddly behind her and upward onto the sofa cushion, her eyes partially open. I touched her side, did I feel her heart beating? Or was it just the force of my own heart I was feeling as I held my hand against her body? I had just received a brand new cell phone the night before, and had set the wallpaper to be a photo of her as a kitten. I opened the phone to call someone, not sure who to call at this point, and saw her tiny face. Realizing I didn’t yet program any phone numbers into the phone, I collapsed on the floor beside her and sobbed uncontrollably.
I told her I was so sorry, I was so so sorry… It just wasn’t fair, and I wanted so desperately to start that day over again and make it turn out differently.
Somehow I managed to call Iris, looking her number up in my old phone and dialing it on the new one without my glasses and through my tears. I screamed at her that Sadie was dead, and she began to cry along with me. She told me she would call her boyfriend Rick and they would be right over. I then called Jane, my friend and fellow pet sitter. It was Saturday, often a heavily booked day for sitters, so she wasn’t able to come to help me right away, and I knew that she wouldn’t be able to when I called her. But I needed to tell her; it was as if with each person I told, I was somehow hoping they would be able to fix it for me.
But there was no solution for this. Just as our original vet has said…
Iris called me back and told me that our friend Michelle was heading over to me. She arrived as I was talking with Iris and that made it all too real for me, I lost complete control of my emotions. By the time Iris and Rick arrived, I was frantic. I called my mother and instead got my dad, my mom wasn’t home. I wasn’t even sure he understood what I said because I don’t know what I told him. Iris and Michelle made calls and arranged for Guardian Aftercare to take care of Sadie. That meant we had to drive her out to the valley; if we took her to the vet’s office she would sit there until they could pick her up there on Monday, and I didn’t want that.
Iris and Michelle found some yogurt in my refrigerator and begged me to eat it; I hadn’t had anything to eat as yet, only coffee. I also had three clients to visit later that evening, and it was fortunate that two of them also happened to be friends with Michelle. In fact they were the same two whose cats I had seen that morning. Michelle called them and broke the news, and one of them said she would get her sister to fill in for me. Michelle told me she would take me to my other two so I wouldn’t have to drive myself.
At that moment, Smokey, who was terrified of Sadie, went over to her on the sofa and began to sniff the air; he must have known what happened or he would never have gone near her. It was then that I realized Trouble was missing, I had located the other five cats but not him. I finally found him hiding in the bedroom closet, a place he had never really gone until that day. He was glassy eyed and shaking, his pupils black as night. I picked him up and he cuddled against me.
As we walked past Sadie, he dug his nails into my shoulder and started to shake… I believe he was there with her when whatever happened, happened. The two of them were together all the time, and perhaps they were playing together, I will never really know and he won’t tell me. What I do know is that it is likely Sadie suffered a massive heart attack and died instantly, and it’s also likely that Trouble was there at her side. Sadie died sitting on my spot on the sofa, maybe in an effort to smell my scent as she passed away. That thought haunts me still.
Iris went over to Sadie to say her goodbyes and we gathered her up in the blanket on which she died. I was in no shape to carry her out, so Iris carried her for me. My neighbor Monica, an animal lover who often has doggie play dates in her apartment for her cute little dog, Powder, was trying to back her car out of her driveway. We had her car blocked in with Rick’s truck. She was about to ask us to move it, when she saw us carrying Sadie. Monica looked very sad as she realized what had happened, and she silently hung her head and got back into her car to wait for us to leave.
The drive over the hill from Beverly Hills to Sun Valley was a nightmare for me. Sadie was in a box next to me in the back seat, and I was nauseated from the motion of the car along with the emotion of what was happening. I kept praying it was all a mistake or a bad dream, and that I would wake up at any moment. My mother retuned my call while we were in the car, I guess I had told my dad the right thing after all, but I couldn’t handle talking to anyone and I had trouble hearing what she was saying. It seemed like the drive took hours, especially because we kept missing the place and drove past it twice.
I had to go to the bathroom as soon as we arrived, and I noticed there were cat litter pans in there. Apparently there are two cats in residence there, feral cats that were owned by a former employee who had suddenly died. The staff at Guardian Aftercare will give them a home for the rest of their life. Hearing this immediately put my mind at ease; I knew Sadie would be in the right hands.
While I was in the bathroom, Sadie was put into a little room and the box containing her was placed gently on the sofa. I was impressed that they didn’t put her on a table or, worse yet, on the floor. The lady at Guardian Aftercare assured me that everyone there was an animal lover, and all showed the utmost respect for the animals left in their care. From their storage to their cremation, no animal is ever set on the floor or mistreated in any way.
There were several beautiful tribute options offered, from making a plaque of Sadie’s paw prints to very expensive urns for her remains. I really just wanted the basics; someday far into the future, Sadie’s remains will be buried with me when it’s my time to go. So for now, I wanted a simple box with a gold plaque bearing her name, and a lock to ensure her remains will stay put.
After signing the paper work and paying, I was led into the room to say my last goodbyes to her. By then my head was pounding. I hugged and kissed my beautiful little girl, who was now lying on her side nestled in the box with the blanket in which we had so carefully wrapped her. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I ran back to the bathroom to throw up. But nothing would come but dry heaves.
The drive back to my apartment was even worse, and I had to lie down in the back seat to fight the urge to be sick. Driving through the hills with a migraine, still dealing with the emotions of this day, I was in agony. And then I remembered that I somehow had two cat sits to get through that night! I would have to deal with that a little later on, I just had to concentrate on making it home.
Iris wanted to stay with me but I made her leave, I needed desperately to be alone. As soon as I made it to the door, I ran into the bathroom and threw up the little bit of yogurt Iris and Michelle had made me eat earlier, along with the coffee I drank before I left for my morning cat visits.
I went into the bedroom and approached my Trouble. Very much against his nature, Trouble bit me, hard. I picked him up and tried to explain to him that I didn’t hurt Sadie, that I would move heaven and earth to get our girl back for him if only I could. I crawled into bed, and four of my remaining cats got in with me.
As I laid down on my side in the fetal position, Trouble joined me on the bed and snuggled up close to me, nestling in against my stomach. Every time I would turn over, he would change sides too and curl up against my stomach again. Punkin sat by my head and tried to wipe my tears with his paw. He “pets” me with his paw, usually petting my hair, and it was amazing to me that he actually put his paw to my face where the tears were falling and “petted” me there, essentially wiping them away.
Sebastian and Sweet Pea stayed at my feet on either side of me. Precious never ventures into the bedroom and neither does Smokey, so they kept vigil in the living room where Sadie had died. I stayed in bed and wept for hours.
After a time, I needed some noise to drown out my thought so I turned on the television. But it didn’t stop the thoughts in my head; “Did I make a mistake taking her to be cremated? What if I could clone her? They cloned that sheep, maybe I need to go get her before it’s too late to clone her!”
